My socialistic manifesto. This may be a long one.

For the last year or so, my feeds and timelines have been filled with so much anger from people.

Cops ain’t shit.

Black people are thugs and get what they deserve.

All white people are racists.

blah blah blah.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned throughout my life is that no group of anyone is all anything. We’re all individuals, with our own views, pasts, mannerisms, ideologies.  I know it’s human nature to bulk a group of people you don’t know into a neat little category, but it’s not that simple, and you think we’d figure that out by now.  …but we either just don’t see it or we don’t care and we’re just gonna keep on doing what we want because it makes us either feel safe (in the sense that you can legitimize why you don’t want to deal with people), or because it makes you feel more powerful.

I fall victim to it myself. I’m not perfect, but I’m trying to work on recognizing when I do it and try to deal with people on a one-on-one basis and avoid the ones that actually show me they’re not worth my time.

Americans have forgotten how to feel empathy.

We’re so worried about getting our own or proving our own point that we forgot that sometimes, when you do things, it affects other people.  People that may actually mean something to you. They may not say anything to you, maybe because they don’t want to offend, or upset you.  Maybe because bringing it up may change the structure of the relationship and it’s easier to just ignore it, but it still bothers them.

That’s what the Confederate flag does to me.

I have friends that aren’t racists that do wear or fly that flag. It happens. (remember what I said above? Not all [blank] are [blank]). I haven’t said anything to them, because I don’t want them to get defensive or to just write me off, but it does make me feel some kind of way when I see it. When I lived down south (S.C. and Alabama), you see it everywhere.  It’s inevitable. As someone that is obviously not white, it serves as a warning to me to be aware. This is because to me, that flag represents the view that a certain group of people consider me sub-human. That, if they had the opportunity, they would have no problem making me a slave, they just can’t now because it’s against the law.

I understand that not all southerners that fly the flag feel that way, but I don’t understand why those people can’t understand that this is how the flag can be viewed.  If you have friends that are minorities, and you fly that flag, this could be how your friends could feel.

I understand the concept of tradition and heritage, but at the same time, when a tradition or a representation of something becomes sullied, and what you believe the original meaning of something originally meant has been warped into something that is hateful to people that you call a friend, why is it so important to continue to do it or use it?

Empathy.

That is what is needed today.

I have to say, though, even though I’m a socialist, I’m not 100% liberal. I think that some things can go too far. But this flag is something different. It represents oppression. It represents one race of people that despises another for no other reason than they’re not like them. It is hate now, regardless of what it was, today, it means hate This being said, my friends will remain my friends, even if they insist on displaying the Confederate flag, but I wish that someone could come up with an alternative NEW flag that would represent Southern Heritage or culture. Something that all southerners could relate to and revel in…. How about a flag with giant mosquitoes and a big glass of delicious sweet tea?

Which need do you feed?

I haven’t been blogging much, because, let’s face it… my life isn’t really all that exciting.  But in all honesty, I like it that way 🙂

There is something I’d like to talk about, though.

Optimism.

Yeah, that word, it either inspires you or makes you roll your eyes.  But people take that word too lightly.  Our society is such that we haven’t only filled our bodies with junk food, but our minds too.

Yes, the lil Debbie cakes are so sweet and inviting, and they’re delicious at the time, but they end up screwing our bodies up making it not worth it in the long run.  The same goes with our minds… we watch all these feel good movies and read happy books and fairy tales, and when it doesn’t happen like that in real life, it makes us feel totally hopeless and shitty.  Which give you an altered sense of reality.

The fact is, life is going to be hard.  It is just what it is, but just because something is hard, doesn’t mean it’s not worth it.  I can tell you from experience, that very very few things that you experience that is currently negative will NEVER outweigh something that is good.  Meaning, we will remember the good things, and thinking back will always bring a smile to our face like it just happened, but that doesn’t work with bad… eventually the sting of the bad will lessen… it won’t be as horrible as they day you experienced it… unless you allow it to.

I hate to be the one that shoots you with glitter rainbows and unicorns, but honestly, it’s only as bad as you allow it be.

One thing that keeps going through my head is… you can only be a victim of your circumstance if you allow yourself to be.  If you want to wallow in gloom and doom and focus on all the crappy things that happen to you and say that life is never going to be happy and it’s never good… guess what… you’re right, because that’s exactly what’s going to happen.

It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You’re never going to get past something if you keep wearying it around your neck like a piece of jewlry.

When bad things happen:

1. Don’t focus on the bad.  Come up with plans (notice the S you may need more than one, and coming up with multiple plans may help ease the anxiety ) to FIX what is wrong.

2. GET SOME SLEEP.  I know that when I feel overly stressed, or overly emotional I’m usually tired.  When you sleep, you’re refueling your body and ESPECIALLY your mind and allowing your brain to help you work through your issues without having those pesky illogical emotions clogging up the thought process.  If you can’t sleep, by all means, get some melatonin or some nite-all or something that WILL allow you to sleep.

3. Get some EXERCISE.  It’s a known fact that exercise releases feel good chemicals into your body, and sometimes we just need a jump start and exercise is a PERFECT way to do that… doubly good if you can get it outside and absorb some of that Vitamin D, which helps too!

The thing is, you need to force yourself to move on.  Negativity is like a muddy ditch that will pull your car (mood, thoughts, etc) into it and keep you hostage if you let it.  But the trick is, when you see it coming, do everything you can to avoid it.  DON’T drink, alcohol is a depressant, it will only make you sadder.  The best thing to do is to not feed into it.  Address it and move on.  And if you say you can’t, you’re right.  because YOU are the only one that can fix this.  Other people commiserating with you or patting you on the back and saying “oh I’m so sorry” will only be around for so long.  People will get tired of having to constantly console you, because that kind mood only pulls people down with you, and they’ll usually break away before they allow it to happen to them too.   Consoling only works if it helps make you happier, if it feeds into self pity, it’s a hindrance.

I used to be UBER-negative.  I used to assume that everything that was going to happen had a grey lining, that something equally as bad will always come around and take away that happiness that I felt… and you know what?  It did, because I expected it and when it happened, I focused on it and fed into it.

I got tired of feeling like this all the time, so I decided to cut the crap and cowboy up and deal with it.  I stopped wallowing in self-pity and started to look at things differently and my life has completely turned around.  Yeah, bad things happen, but honestly, they’re so minor and I know from experience that it’s only temporary, that I just don’t give them time to germinate.

Why would I want to??  It would make me feel like shit!

Anyway, I guess what I’m trying to say is, whatever you feed will happen.  If you feel the negative side of your thoughts, they’ll grow. If you feed the positive side, it will grow as well.  Choose which one you want to feed into, because honestly, you are in total control of this, whether you want to believe it or not.

holy crap, where did 2010 go?

So I just got back from seeing my physical therapist and am trying to figure out wtf happened to the year.  It’s practically over already!

I’m not usually the one that makes New Years Resolutions, because I think they don’t work, but I was reading O magazine (don’t judge me) and they had all these checklists and ways to better your life and blah blah blah.

I don’t want to do all those things, because I’m actually HAPPY with my life at the moment… I’m honestly content.

I’ve been doing most of what I want to do, getting things that I want to get and it’s been working for me so far.

I’ve been losing weight. I’m on my last stubborn 10, but honestly, since I hurt my shoulder, it’s not easy getting a real workout done because I’m stymied.

I’m not drowning in debt, because I don’t own credit cards.

Life is generally pretty darned good at the moment.

There are some things that I do need to work on, though, and I guess maybe that’s something I should concentrate on, but they’re not really RESOLUTIONS, persay, because they’re not bad habits.

Is this common with people in their 40’s, I wonder?

I do know there are some days where I just don’t want to bother with the mundane daily rituals like making my bed, doing the dishes and the like, but then I’ll wake up one day and clean everything within a hours time, so I don’t stress about that.  It’ll get done.

So I guess my resolutions this year will be more of a practical to do list.

1. Get a good inventory of my stuff for insurance purposes… I’ve been putting this off because I’m still in the process of getting everything, but I guess if it start it soon, I can just add to it instead of doing it all in one big ordeal.

2. Finish the apartment… the bay windows have kicked me in the head.  I didn’t want to paint over all the paint that’s already on it… .there’s about 7 layers of paint (no lie), and it’s been a real chore getting it all off.  Not to mention, I still have to strip the paint off the fire place.  Once we’ve gotten that done, it should be cake… until we get to the bathroom, which is going to be a big job.

3. Get a dog.  Not just a dog.  A great dane dog. We’ve done the research and believe it or not, he’d be perfect for our environment.  They’re the world’s largest lap dog 🙂  Plus, I have 2 parks within 5 blocks of my apartment and I work at home, so it’ll be easy to take care of him.

4. Finally get my stupid passport.  This has been on my list for about 5 years… and I’m going to be honest.  I’ve been putting it off, because I didnt want to look fat in my picture 😐  Yeah, I know, how shallow, but who cares? It’s my passport and I’ll procrastinate if I want to :p

5. Get a motorcycle license.  Not for a crotch rocket, though.  This Sunday, I’m buying a scooter, it’s 125cc’s and you need a license for that.

6. Start working on my A+ certification.  My boyfriend already has his, but I’ve been putting it off for me, because I’ve been worried that I can’t memorize everything enough to pass the test, but I have to try.  It’s something I’ve wanted for a long time (at least 8 years!) and it’s time to stop goofing around and do it.

7.  I guess this is a REAL resolution:  Paint more pictures.  I love painting. I’m pretty good at it, but getting STARTED is always so hard for me.  It’s a mental process, I want to do it, but I don’t feel like DOING it.  But once I get started, I’m cool.  …but I have to start.  See the dilemma?

That’s pretty much it, believe it or not.  I’m not going to add lose my last 10 lbs, because I don’t want it to be a chore, I want to to happen when it’s time for it to happen.  It may sound odd, but I think I got my body figured out.  I lost about 40 lbs so far, and I didn’t diet.  I didn’t sweat it at all.  The way I lost it was by taking care of myself the way I’m supposed to.  I don’t drink soda, because it’s horrible for you.  I still eat candy, but now I buy dark chocolate and only break off pieces when I need it… my candy now is fruit, which, in all honesty, is easy to transition to, just have more of it around you!  And I try to cook more at home, NOT processed food, but actually cook with vegetables and meat and spice, etc.  It doesn’t really take THAT much more time, it tastes better and it’s better for me. (I still need to drink more water, though.  I think I’ll always struggle with that)  I walk more, because I have more energy… I was doing Wii fit, which I LOVE and it really makes my body feel STRONG, which helps, but I haven’t been doing it since I jacked up my shoulder.  I’m really tempted to break it out again, but I don’t want to get frustrated because I can’t do anything.  I especially love the yoga section(?) of it, but I can’t do it, because I can’t put my hand over my head, or behind my back, so I’m really limited.  I’ve been trying to wait until my shoulder’s better, but I gotta do something else in the meantime.  I just don’t know what at the moment.

But that’s basically it.  I found that instead of forcing myself do change something never worked for me.  I’m too smart to fool myself   lol  So instead, I found finding middle ground that I can live with and stick to.  It worked for me, but I can’t say that it’ll work for everyone, because my oddness level is off the charts.

So that’s about it in a nutshell.  3 more weeks until we’re in January and 2010 will be a blurred memory.  Just like all those other years before it.  And as always, I’ll be looking at NEXT year, thinking to myself… “THIS is going to be MY year.” Those this time, I’m starting to realize, ALL of them are MY year.

Entitlement.

Ironically, I was talking to someone about LeBron James’ sense of entitlement.  How he feels that he deserves to get things without actually working hard for it and it dawned on me, that this is exactly what my son is doing.

As a mother, I want him to succeed and live a happy life, of course.  Time and time again, he’s let opportunities slip by because he didn’t want to put in the work, or I guess he just lost interest, or something.  I honestly don’t know what his deal is.

Anyway, as I was talking about in my other post, we had talked and were planning on him to come up here and finish school via online and then plan for his future.  He went home to Atlanta and the only thing he had to do was schedule his driving test (because I don’t own a car, and if he already had a license, it’s A LOT easier to transfer to PA).  A week goes by and he still hasn’t scheduled it.  His dad said he tried once, it was busy, and he hasn’t done anything since.  This really frustrated me, because it’s something that really needs to be done, and I don’t want him to wait until the last minute to get everything.  There was also a hefty list of paperwork to collect in order to transfer up to school here, and his father has been working on that list, while my son lies in bed with his girlfriend, or gets tattoos on his chest and taking pictures of it for facebook while flipping the bird.

Exhibit A:

On top of all this, he’s not returning my call.

Needless to say, I’m livid.  I left a really angry message on his phone, letting him know that his future is in his hands.  If he wants to finish school up here, he is to get the list of paper work from his dad and ask him to arrange transportation (or assistance if needed) to get all the documentation he needs.   He must get his driver’s license as well, and if it isn’t all done by the time school starts, his window of opportunity in Philadelphia will close and when his phone contract ends in October, I’m not renewing it.  I haven’t heard a peep from him.

I’ve pretty much had it.  He KNOWS this is going to be one of his last chances to graduate with a diploma.  He KNOWS how important it is. Yet, he does nothing to work towards this goal and I’m tired of doing it for him.

We may not have the ability to control what happens to us, things happen, which is understandable.  But it’s inexcusable to do nothing and expect something and I’m not going to support it.

I’m so frustrated and irate and more over, disappointed.  I thought this was going to be it.  He was finally going to knuckle down and work towards SOMETHING.

I apparently was wrong.

Now let me go find my “Mean Mother” badge and wear it with pride.

Hello world!

Yes, I know that is the standard title for first posts, but I’ll be damned if it isn’t appropriate 🙂

Allow myself to introduce… myself.

My name is Samirah.  I’m in my 40’s.  I’m not married, but I’m very much involved.  I have 2 kids, well, they’re not exactly kids anymore, my daughter 22 and my son is 18.

I’m adopted, I’m 1 of 10 kids, (all but 2 are adopted).  My mom died about 5 years ago, my dad is awesome.

I really do enjoy my life, though it feels like I’m constantly “getting ready” for things instead of them actually happening…. dreaming… wishing, all that mess.

I am multi-ethnic, but honestly, I think I fit in just about anywhere.

I love animals, I paint (though, not as often as I should), I’m attempting to grow a garden… which may have been demolished by a hail storm we had about 3 hours ago 😐

I’m not religious, I basically live by the rule of being a good person, and think I’m doing a damned good job at it (I said GOOD, not MODEST hahaha!).

I have a pretty dry sense of humor, too… if it’s not dry, it’s so left field that only people close to me probably think it’s funny.

I used to have a favorite color: pink  But now, I’m not so definitive.  I like brown, green, blue and tan just as much, now.

I decided to write a blog because of a friend of mine’s blog.  She writes so well, and she inspired me.  Not that this is my first blog ever, but I haven’t written one in several years.

So, I guess that’s enough for now, I don’t intend to talk JUST about my life, I’ll be talking about other things.. video games ( I LOVE video games), gadgets, politics, all kinds of crap.

Doesn’t that sound like FUN?!?  Of course it does!

Welcome to my world 🙂