My socialistic manifesto. This may be a long one.

For the last year or so, my feeds and timelines have been filled with so much anger from people.

Cops ain’t shit.

Black people are thugs and get what they deserve.

All white people are racists.

blah blah blah.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned throughout my life is that no group of anyone is all anything. We’re all individuals, with our own views, pasts, mannerisms, ideologies.  I know it’s human nature to bulk a group of people you don’t know into a neat little category, but it’s not that simple, and you think we’d figure that out by now.  …but we either just don’t see it or we don’t care and we’re just gonna keep on doing what we want because it makes us either feel safe (in the sense that you can legitimize why you don’t want to deal with people), or because it makes you feel more powerful.

I fall victim to it myself. I’m not perfect, but I’m trying to work on recognizing when I do it and try to deal with people on a one-on-one basis and avoid the ones that actually show me they’re not worth my time.

Americans have forgotten how to feel empathy.

We’re so worried about getting our own or proving our own point that we forgot that sometimes, when you do things, it affects other people.  People that may actually mean something to you. They may not say anything to you, maybe because they don’t want to offend, or upset you.  Maybe because bringing it up may change the structure of the relationship and it’s easier to just ignore it, but it still bothers them.

That’s what the Confederate flag does to me.

I have friends that aren’t racists that do wear or fly that flag. It happens. (remember what I said above? Not all [blank] are [blank]). I haven’t said anything to them, because I don’t want them to get defensive or to just write me off, but it does make me feel some kind of way when I see it. When I lived down south (S.C. and Alabama), you see it everywhere.  It’s inevitable. As someone that is obviously not white, it serves as a warning to me to be aware. This is because to me, that flag represents the view that a certain group of people consider me sub-human. That, if they had the opportunity, they would have no problem making me a slave, they just can’t now because it’s against the law.

I understand that not all southerners that fly the flag feel that way, but I don’t understand why those people can’t understand that this is how the flag can be viewed.  If you have friends that are minorities, and you fly that flag, this could be how your friends could feel.

I understand the concept of tradition and heritage, but at the same time, when a tradition or a representation of something becomes sullied, and what you believe the original meaning of something originally meant has been warped into something that is hateful to people that you call a friend, why is it so important to continue to do it or use it?

Empathy.

That is what is needed today.

I have to say, though, even though I’m a socialist, I’m not 100% liberal. I think that some things can go too far. But this flag is something different. It represents oppression. It represents one race of people that despises another for no other reason than they’re not like them. It is hate now, regardless of what it was, today, it means hate This being said, my friends will remain my friends, even if they insist on displaying the Confederate flag, but I wish that someone could come up with an alternative NEW flag that would represent Southern Heritage or culture. Something that all southerners could relate to and revel in…. How about a flag with giant mosquitoes and a big glass of delicious sweet tea?

Gossip Folks

I had a downstairs neighbor that I thought was pretty cool… until she moved out and the truth showed it’s ugly stupid face.  For the story, I will call her Georgia (or GA).  She was one of those roamin gnomes…. and had a pack of friends that were pretty transient.  I didn’t think much of it, they weren’t loud or anything, and after a few weeks, her friends would move on.

We were both gardening, I’m still pretty new at it, I KIND of started last year, but got a little more into it this year, made a raised box and everything, but by no means a professional.  GA had one too, in front of mine as well as Kale and Basil in another section of the yard.

I would water, usually in the morning, until she told me doing that would burn the roots in the summer (I have YET to find any gardening article that would support that argument), and her friends tended to flick their used cigarette butts into my garden (one burned through one of the leaves of my plants 😦 ).  I was usually the one that mowed the lawn and stuff (because I like doing that kind of thing), so I would water when I was doing that.  I didn’t think anything of it.  Once she mentioned the burning roots thing, I then changed and watered after my work shift (8:00pm).

She had a dog too, a pit mix of some kind that I rarely saw get walked and was very protective of the porch.  She bit my boyfriend once, right through the pants and even broke skin (no blood, but still, wth).  He didn’t call Animal Control because we didn’t want the dog to pay for the owner’s mistake of not having her leased up.

I thought we were going to be friends, honestly.  But after a while, her friends got a bit overwhelming.  Having about 8 transients sleeping on your porch every night and having the 4 recycle bins constantly filled with budweiser 40 oz bottles gets old fast.  But you know, no one’s perfect.

Well, she and her boyfriend moved out this month, and it wasn’t until my neighbor below and we started talking that we realized, she was starting gossip about all of us, for no reason whatsoever.  What would make someone so miserable that they find the need to talk about people they barely know, then smile in their face like nothing’s wrong the next minute?  It wasn’t just us, it was EVERYONE, basically, whoever wasn’t in the area at the time.

It made me so mad (I’m still a bit perturbed about it now, actually).  I don’t even understand what she was trying to accomplish.  I let this chick use our internet for free the entire time she was here, too!

I guess I should just be happy that she’s out of our lives… but “why” still kind of eats away at me.  I know that people are going to talk about people, it’s human nature, but the things she said were hurtful, not to mention inaccurate.  Is it low self esteem?  Is it a genetic malfunction?  I guess I’m not meant to understand it, but it still bothers the pickles out of me.

:)

This morning around 5:30, our neighbor downstairs was apparently smoking because I smelled it in the bedroom.  One of the disadvantages of not owning your own home (that and not being able to Zumba w/o sounding like a herd of rabid elephants to the people below me).  Fortunately for me, my boyfriend came into the room to kiss me goodbye while he was leaving for work, and instantly, the room was filled with his sweet deliciousness and all was well with the world again.

I went to my first real yoga class today, it was fantastic.  Forrest Inspired, so the room was nice and warm (around 80°).  There were a few warrior poses that were really hard to hold, but I really loved the planks and pigeon poses (but I think I need to work on that a bit more, because it still felt kind of awkward).
For the last few weeks I was feeling a bit run down and worn out, but I think I’m getting my second wind.  I’m pretty sure it’s the running. Every time I run, I feel really energetic, but I tend to be a bit leery when I run because my hip muscles have been hurting.

We have new neighbors above and below us… I haven’t met the person in the efficiency yet, though they have hung some interesting sheets in the windows for curtains.  Not sure if it’s male or female or if it’s more than one person (previous neighbors were a couple with a dog in an EFFICIENCY… I’d probably end up being a serial killer if my quarters were that scrunched).  We have 2 females above us, one of them is about 5’3 and from her accent, I’d say she’s Australian… she loves the word “Brilliant!”  I like when she says it, because she sounds like she means it.  They have a little dog, kind of Shih Tzu-ish?  It’s not a barker, so it’s ok in my book.

We’re almost done redoing the living room!!  We got some bamboo blinds which really darken the room when we watch movies or play games, I love them! So the only things we have left are tiling and painting the fireplace, getting a fireplace screen and putting the cat’s food and water in the fireplace (to keep it away from the puppy when we get him), curtains for the bay window and getting a dining room table and 4 chairs…. then it’s onto the next project (I’m hoping it’s the hallway next, but it may be the main bedroom.).

This weekend, by bf is going to buy me some warmer running gear.  I love that he encourages my running, it makes me want to do it even more, if that’s even possible.  I’d like to go to the 8 am yoga class on Saturday and clean up our horrendously overgrown back yard… I’m guessing that’ll take a few hours 😦  Then we may get massages!! I’ve never had a professional massage, so I’m kind of excited about that.  I’ve had a lot of firsts lately!
If this is what fall’s going to be like, I’m actually looking forward to it.  Boots, soup, cocoa AND energy?  Could it be possible?!

 

Which need do you feed?

I haven’t been blogging much, because, let’s face it… my life isn’t really all that exciting.  But in all honesty, I like it that way 🙂

There is something I’d like to talk about, though.

Optimism.

Yeah, that word, it either inspires you or makes you roll your eyes.  But people take that word too lightly.  Our society is such that we haven’t only filled our bodies with junk food, but our minds too.

Yes, the lil Debbie cakes are so sweet and inviting, and they’re delicious at the time, but they end up screwing our bodies up making it not worth it in the long run.  The same goes with our minds… we watch all these feel good movies and read happy books and fairy tales, and when it doesn’t happen like that in real life, it makes us feel totally hopeless and shitty.  Which give you an altered sense of reality.

The fact is, life is going to be hard.  It is just what it is, but just because something is hard, doesn’t mean it’s not worth it.  I can tell you from experience, that very very few things that you experience that is currently negative will NEVER outweigh something that is good.  Meaning, we will remember the good things, and thinking back will always bring a smile to our face like it just happened, but that doesn’t work with bad… eventually the sting of the bad will lessen… it won’t be as horrible as they day you experienced it… unless you allow it to.

I hate to be the one that shoots you with glitter rainbows and unicorns, but honestly, it’s only as bad as you allow it be.

One thing that keeps going through my head is… you can only be a victim of your circumstance if you allow yourself to be.  If you want to wallow in gloom and doom and focus on all the crappy things that happen to you and say that life is never going to be happy and it’s never good… guess what… you’re right, because that’s exactly what’s going to happen.

It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You’re never going to get past something if you keep wearying it around your neck like a piece of jewlry.

When bad things happen:

1. Don’t focus on the bad.  Come up with plans (notice the S you may need more than one, and coming up with multiple plans may help ease the anxiety ) to FIX what is wrong.

2. GET SOME SLEEP.  I know that when I feel overly stressed, or overly emotional I’m usually tired.  When you sleep, you’re refueling your body and ESPECIALLY your mind and allowing your brain to help you work through your issues without having those pesky illogical emotions clogging up the thought process.  If you can’t sleep, by all means, get some melatonin or some nite-all or something that WILL allow you to sleep.

3. Get some EXERCISE.  It’s a known fact that exercise releases feel good chemicals into your body, and sometimes we just need a jump start and exercise is a PERFECT way to do that… doubly good if you can get it outside and absorb some of that Vitamin D, which helps too!

The thing is, you need to force yourself to move on.  Negativity is like a muddy ditch that will pull your car (mood, thoughts, etc) into it and keep you hostage if you let it.  But the trick is, when you see it coming, do everything you can to avoid it.  DON’T drink, alcohol is a depressant, it will only make you sadder.  The best thing to do is to not feed into it.  Address it and move on.  And if you say you can’t, you’re right.  because YOU are the only one that can fix this.  Other people commiserating with you or patting you on the back and saying “oh I’m so sorry” will only be around for so long.  People will get tired of having to constantly console you, because that kind mood only pulls people down with you, and they’ll usually break away before they allow it to happen to them too.   Consoling only works if it helps make you happier, if it feeds into self pity, it’s a hindrance.

I used to be UBER-negative.  I used to assume that everything that was going to happen had a grey lining, that something equally as bad will always come around and take away that happiness that I felt… and you know what?  It did, because I expected it and when it happened, I focused on it and fed into it.

I got tired of feeling like this all the time, so I decided to cut the crap and cowboy up and deal with it.  I stopped wallowing in self-pity and started to look at things differently and my life has completely turned around.  Yeah, bad things happen, but honestly, they’re so minor and I know from experience that it’s only temporary, that I just don’t give them time to germinate.

Why would I want to??  It would make me feel like shit!

Anyway, I guess what I’m trying to say is, whatever you feed will happen.  If you feel the negative side of your thoughts, they’ll grow. If you feed the positive side, it will grow as well.  Choose which one you want to feed into, because honestly, you are in total control of this, whether you want to believe it or not.

holy crap, where did 2010 go?

So I just got back from seeing my physical therapist and am trying to figure out wtf happened to the year.  It’s practically over already!

I’m not usually the one that makes New Years Resolutions, because I think they don’t work, but I was reading O magazine (don’t judge me) and they had all these checklists and ways to better your life and blah blah blah.

I don’t want to do all those things, because I’m actually HAPPY with my life at the moment… I’m honestly content.

I’ve been doing most of what I want to do, getting things that I want to get and it’s been working for me so far.

I’ve been losing weight. I’m on my last stubborn 10, but honestly, since I hurt my shoulder, it’s not easy getting a real workout done because I’m stymied.

I’m not drowning in debt, because I don’t own credit cards.

Life is generally pretty darned good at the moment.

There are some things that I do need to work on, though, and I guess maybe that’s something I should concentrate on, but they’re not really RESOLUTIONS, persay, because they’re not bad habits.

Is this common with people in their 40’s, I wonder?

I do know there are some days where I just don’t want to bother with the mundane daily rituals like making my bed, doing the dishes and the like, but then I’ll wake up one day and clean everything within a hours time, so I don’t stress about that.  It’ll get done.

So I guess my resolutions this year will be more of a practical to do list.

1. Get a good inventory of my stuff for insurance purposes… I’ve been putting this off because I’m still in the process of getting everything, but I guess if it start it soon, I can just add to it instead of doing it all in one big ordeal.

2. Finish the apartment… the bay windows have kicked me in the head.  I didn’t want to paint over all the paint that’s already on it… .there’s about 7 layers of paint (no lie), and it’s been a real chore getting it all off.  Not to mention, I still have to strip the paint off the fire place.  Once we’ve gotten that done, it should be cake… until we get to the bathroom, which is going to be a big job.

3. Get a dog.  Not just a dog.  A great dane dog. We’ve done the research and believe it or not, he’d be perfect for our environment.  They’re the world’s largest lap dog 🙂  Plus, I have 2 parks within 5 blocks of my apartment and I work at home, so it’ll be easy to take care of him.

4. Finally get my stupid passport.  This has been on my list for about 5 years… and I’m going to be honest.  I’ve been putting it off, because I didnt want to look fat in my picture 😐  Yeah, I know, how shallow, but who cares? It’s my passport and I’ll procrastinate if I want to :p

5. Get a motorcycle license.  Not for a crotch rocket, though.  This Sunday, I’m buying a scooter, it’s 125cc’s and you need a license for that.

6. Start working on my A+ certification.  My boyfriend already has his, but I’ve been putting it off for me, because I’ve been worried that I can’t memorize everything enough to pass the test, but I have to try.  It’s something I’ve wanted for a long time (at least 8 years!) and it’s time to stop goofing around and do it.

7.  I guess this is a REAL resolution:  Paint more pictures.  I love painting. I’m pretty good at it, but getting STARTED is always so hard for me.  It’s a mental process, I want to do it, but I don’t feel like DOING it.  But once I get started, I’m cool.  …but I have to start.  See the dilemma?

That’s pretty much it, believe it or not.  I’m not going to add lose my last 10 lbs, because I don’t want it to be a chore, I want to to happen when it’s time for it to happen.  It may sound odd, but I think I got my body figured out.  I lost about 40 lbs so far, and I didn’t diet.  I didn’t sweat it at all.  The way I lost it was by taking care of myself the way I’m supposed to.  I don’t drink soda, because it’s horrible for you.  I still eat candy, but now I buy dark chocolate and only break off pieces when I need it… my candy now is fruit, which, in all honesty, is easy to transition to, just have more of it around you!  And I try to cook more at home, NOT processed food, but actually cook with vegetables and meat and spice, etc.  It doesn’t really take THAT much more time, it tastes better and it’s better for me. (I still need to drink more water, though.  I think I’ll always struggle with that)  I walk more, because I have more energy… I was doing Wii fit, which I LOVE and it really makes my body feel STRONG, which helps, but I haven’t been doing it since I jacked up my shoulder.  I’m really tempted to break it out again, but I don’t want to get frustrated because I can’t do anything.  I especially love the yoga section(?) of it, but I can’t do it, because I can’t put my hand over my head, or behind my back, so I’m really limited.  I’ve been trying to wait until my shoulder’s better, but I gotta do something else in the meantime.  I just don’t know what at the moment.

But that’s basically it.  I found that instead of forcing myself do change something never worked for me.  I’m too smart to fool myself   lol  So instead, I found finding middle ground that I can live with and stick to.  It worked for me, but I can’t say that it’ll work for everyone, because my oddness level is off the charts.

So that’s about it in a nutshell.  3 more weeks until we’re in January and 2010 will be a blurred memory.  Just like all those other years before it.  And as always, I’ll be looking at NEXT year, thinking to myself… “THIS is going to be MY year.” Those this time, I’m starting to realize, ALL of them are MY year.

the book about you

I was thinking about things and stuff (which I seem to do a lot)… my thoughts went from the narcissism I see on FaceBook, to personal relationships, to family generations, to memories.

Then it dawned on me.

The memory of ME, of who I am, and how I was, and impacted other people will last probably no longer than about 3 generations.

It’ll basically end with my kid’s kids.

Then I thought about all the people in my family that I never knew, or wanted to know in a different way, like my dad’s mom.  She died before I was 20, and from what I remember, she was kind, dynamic and always smiling… the kind of person I wish I had more of now.
Then I was thinking about, even though she’s not alive anymore, how nice it would have been to at least KNOW her, her thoughts, her feelings, etc.
THEN I thought, how cool it would have been, had she been alive in this day and age to have a blog.  Because face it, that’s really the best way to get to know someone, assuming they’re telling the truth about themselves in the first place, you know?

So then my thoughts basically came down to this.

People that write personal blogs, should publish their blogs to a book.

Not to sell, but to keep, like a photo album, for your future family members.

Think about it.  You could tell them all kinds of things, what’s going on in the world now and how it impacted you, etc… your kids and their kids could get to know you, without you even being there.

There’s a site that does that, too, well, it’s in beta now, but it’s coming

Blurb self publishing

I think it’s a fantastic idea, and I’ll probably have this done when I’m old and hate people and have a cabin in Montana with no running water or electricity 🙂

the future for my boy

So my boyfriend (I really need to find a new word that doesn’t sound so high school… life partner?  hahaha) and I walk a lot.  We love walking, it’s good for you and it’s enjoyable.  And I like when we just start talking about stuff, mostly life and how we’re feeling and the like… it’s nice, and helps me get things out of my brain.

This weekend, I brought up my son.
He comes up a lot, because I guess I’m worried about him and I have a lot of things that I feel I should have done in the past that I didn’t, and I guess that I have always wished to get a do-over.

As I stated in my post before, I wanted him to move up here with me to finish his school,  so I can help him.  Well, that didn’t come to fruition.  Mostly, because he and his father didn’t finish the paper work to do the transfer, but mostly, I think that it’s hard for him to leave his current life behind.  I can understand that.  But I still kind of wish he came up here anyway.

But in our walk & talk (ha!), I guess we came up with the conclusion that it’s for the best.  He’s currently in school (he goes into the school, but does online classes), and he seems to like it and he’s not getting into any problems.  I have to come to the reality that I can’t turn back the clock and undo what has happened.

I wish I would have pushed his father harder for visitation.

I wish I would have been more of a presence for him so he knew I was there for him.

I wish I knew him like the back of my hand like I used to.

I wish I could see the future, so I can relax and know that he’s going to be ok.

…but I think that he will be ok, because he’s smart and resourceful.  I don’t know if he’ll be an Architect like he had hoped when he was a kid, but it looks like he’s leaning towards being a Tattoo Artist, which I have no problem with.  But if he does choose to do that, I hope he’s smart about it… I hope he still goes to Art school, and I hope that I’m able to help him get that done.

I really do believe he’s going to graduate High School, it really feels like it’s possible now.

It’s so hard to just let go and let him do what he needs to do, but I honestly believe that when he finally does finish school, it’ll show him that he CAN accomplish things, even when it doesn’t look like it’s possible.

I’m not sure why I wrote this post, I guess I needed to get this out of my head.

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